I Almost Raped My Boyfriend

I'm a girl and last night I Almost Raped My boyfriend. Even worse I didn't realize it until this morning. How you might ask? Well last night we had dinner at my apartment and watched a movie. After the movie I was wanting to get down to the nitty-gritty, but he wasn't feeling it. He didn't feel comfortable doing it because I have roommates. At that point instead of saying okay and moving on like I should have done, I continued to press him. Despite him saying no multiple times I pressed and did everything in my power short of taking his clothes off to make him say yes. Eventually I conceded. If I had succeeded I would have raped my boyfriend. Not by force, but by guilt. Ladies and gentleman guilting someone into having sex with you is rape. Plain and simple. If the roles were reversed and my boyfriend had done this to me people would be agreeing but it can also happen the other way. Just because he has the penis doesn't mean he couldn't have been raped and by me. Since this happened I did apologize to him. This is a social construct that needs squashed. Guilting someone into having sex with you is rape not sex. Rape is about force and not sex.

The Life I've Been Living Secretly

Lately I've been going through some stuff and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, but I need to tell someone so here it goes. A little while ago I had surgery. I had appendicitis so I got it removed before it burst. It was done laparoscopicly so I just have 3 little incisions on my abdomen and I only stayed in the hospital overnight. That day I was discharged and I came home to my house where I live with my sister and another girl. Everyone was really nice. They helped me out when I needed help standing up or would get things for me. My friends and roommates were a huge help..... for about 4 days. When they were here they were awesome. Because of the medication I was on I couldn't drive, so my friends would come over and keep me company. Another side effect of the medication was that I would get REALLY tired and I would fall asleep almost every 4 hours for about 2 hours. When I was sleeping, the would just sit there and watch Netflix or whatever and be quiet while I slept. They really were great. However they had to go back to their own lives. They worked and had lives outside of taking care of me.
Being left by myself was not as fun as it may seem. And here another side effect of the medication comes into play. I love reading. I think it's great and I read quite a lot. However, because of the medication I had a hard time focusing, so reading was difficult because my mind was in a million places at once. I just couldn't focus. So my life because watching several different shows and episodes of things on Netflix. My queue ranged from crime shows to hgtv. I would just watch Netflix, get on Facebook, or play some of the stupid games I keep on my phone. I couldn't drive anywhere and I could barely walk, I was slower than a turtle, and it hurt to walk for too long. So I just sat on the couch basically all day. After about a day of that, I was bored out of my mind. I was tired of hurting, and I was tired of not being able to do anything, and I start to feel anxious and depressed. A week after my surgery I was having a hard day. My day was like every other day up to this point, my roommates and friends worked and I was at home doing nothing. I wanted to be doing something, but I couldn't do anything. That evening my roommate made spaghetti for dinner and normally I like it, but for some reason when I ate it that day It made me feel sick so I ended up only eating like 2 or 3 bites and I threw the rest away. At this point I was really upset because I didn't want to feel sick. I didn't want to hurt. I just wanted to be better. I go to my bedroom and about halfway there I break down and just start crying. I called my mom. I know that makes me sound like a baby, but I needed my mom. I talked to her for a little bit and we decided that I just needed to go stay with her for a couple of days. She lives about an hour away and since I couldn't drive, she came and picked me up and I stayed with her. While there I felt a little better. At my house I was by myself almost all day, and at my mom's house, there were people around all the time. Just being around them and having them there made me feel better. I really thought that I was going to be okay. I came home and I was doing good for a while.
When I got home, I tried to keep myself busy. I organized my movies and just other silly things that I could do that didn't hurt, but eventually I ran out of things to do. However, I didn't feel depressed right away. It took a little while, but it crept back in. I wanted to be able to do things with my friends. They were going swimming, but I couldn't. Thinking going with them was better than staying home by myself I went and I would stick my feet in. But that didn't really work out as planned. They all got in the pool and they were playing and swimming around having fun and I was sitting by myself not included. I felt just as depressed sitting there than I would have been sitting in my living room. I wanted to break out in tears again, but I held them back. I wanted everyone to think I was having a great time and was having fun. I couldn't tell them I was feeling depressed.
I started to get better and I thought things were going to be better. I was able to walk faster, and I didn't hurt as much. My incisions were healing really well and everything was getting brighter. But then I was knocked down again. I still couldn't do all the things that I wanted to. I still couldn't go swimming with my friends and I still couldn't run and laugh with them. That brings me to today. Right now I am sitting on my couch by myself. I can drive now, but it doesn't make anything better. I still hurt sometimes and I still can't go swimming or hottubbing. This evening I was hanging out with a group of people and most of them wanted to go get in the hottub. I didn't want to spend another day being alone in a group of people so I opted out. I asked one of my good friends who also didn't want to go swimming if they wanted to come over and watch a movie, but they declined. At this moment right now I feel as if my friends don't really want to be my friends anymore. I feel as though they only put up with me because they feel they have to. They don't ever want to do something I invite them to do. We don't even hug anymore. Hugging was, for some reason, a big part of our group and everyone else hugs everyone else, but no one even touches me anymore. The most I get is a high-five. I don't know if my mind is deceiving me or if because I'm "hurt" they don't know how to act. I just don't know what to do and I can't even tell anyone that I've been depressed lately. I just don't know how to handle anything right now. I go back to work tomorrow, so at least that will keep me busy. I'm not asking for pity or anything, I just needed to tell someone so I decided to tell the world. I couldn't keep everything bottled up any longer.

New Roommates

So I have talked to you about my roommates all ganging up on me. Well that doesn't happen so much anymore. Now Britney and Elizabeth have realized that I was the one that wasn't batshit crazy the entire time and that what I was saying what actually making sense. Britney and I get along so well. We love living together. Since she started realizing that Julie was the one creating all the drama we have gotten along fabulously. We hardly ever argue. We are always there when we need each other. Elizabeth is great too. Two of my previous roommates that I hardly knew and talked to moved out and now we have two more roommates. One is a freshman named Cassie and the other is just working and not going to school and her name is Jessica. So there are six of us that live together and we all know and talk to each other. Near the end of the last semester Britney got a boyfriend who is totally nice and awesome and I kind of hooked them up. His name is Luke. They are like super cute together and get along really well. Sometimes they are too cute together. I don't have a boyfriend so seeing them all happy and cuddly and stuff makes me wish I had a boyfriend. So I get a little sad and stuff. But this post isn't about that. My new roommate Jessica also has a boyfriend. His name is Jake. We knew Jake before and stuff and he encouraged us to move in with Jessica. We had met Jessica a few times before and she was super nice and totally awesome. She was still living with her parents and was looking for a place to stay. So we invited her to move in with us. She moved in and was almost entirely different. Her entire personallity had changed. She took a 180 degree turn into we-don't-like-you-ville. I don't care what people do behind closed doors in your bedroom, but I don't really want to hear about it...or hear it for that matter. Jessica is partially deaf. However, her boyfriend and gotten really super annoying. He will come into MY apartment and proclaim that the movie we are watching is stupid or the movie we want to watch is dumb. He is almost always in a grumpy mood. It is super irritating. He is never happy. He always finds something to complain about. One day I just let him have it. I just yelled at him. I don't swear very often but I was just letting loose. I just yelled and yelled and yelled. Then of course afterwards I felt bad and I appologized for my behavior. Did he? NO!!! I was hoping though that this would cause him to realize he acts like an idiot, but it didn't. He still acts the same as he does!!! He is about to drive me batty. And Jennifer isn't any better. I want to tell her to move out and that no one likes her but I'm too nice to do something like that. They both are DRIVING ME INSANE!!! The other new roommate, Cassie, is pretty cool. I haven't had any problems with her at all.

Overview of My Apartment / How Things Are Now

I live in an apartment that is meant for college students. It is not through the college where I live, but it is intended for use of student who are attending the nearby college. I moved into this apartment with my friend Julie*. We met each other last school year. There were a couple other people living there so we got to know our other roommates. The other two girls are Britney* and Elizabeth*. The first little bit was all great. I thought that Britney and I were getting along great. I thought we had quite a bit in common. Julie and I were getting along fine and all of us loved Elizabeth. We have lived together for a little over two months. Things became, how do I put this, a little tense after the first month. Everyone still loves Elizabeth because she is just kinda pretty awesome. However, as I kind of expected, my relationship with Julie has suffered. Every once in a while we have days where we just do the craziest most awesome things ever and it is good, but for the most part, I'm pretty sure she wants to kill me. I am one of those people that like to stay up late and then wake up with just enough time to get ready and get to class. I am also one of those people that doesn't feel like they have to wear makeup all the time. I rarely wear a lot of makeup, I usually am just wearing mascara and occasionally eye-liner. But I don't always feel like putting a fresh coat of mascara on and so some morning I just don't. I like to have people over and watch movies and laugh and have fun, but she likes to study ALL the time. I'm not judging her for studying, but when she kicks out MY guests because she is trying to get her math homework done at 10 o'clock at night it kinda irritates me. I just think why didn't you do it earlier, then I remember, "oh yeah. It's because Britney was home and you couldn't spend a single second away from her. You have to warn her about living her life like me." I have over heard Julie telling Britney about things I have done and her telling her and in some cases making her promise she won't live like that. And it's not like I am one of those girls that goes and parties every night and comes home drunk. I don't drink, I don't really party, I just like to hang out with my friends and stay up later than Julie likes. Britney is a freshman this year. Julie has actually yelled at me for starting a movie at like 10 or 11 o'clock with Britney. She was yelling at me saying things like "Britney has to wake up at such and such time." I told her that the movie wasn't even my idea, and that it was Britney that wanted to watch it. Julie yelled back by saying that I probably planted the idea in her head and that I know Britney won't say no to me. This was so far from true. Britney got home from what ever it was that she was doing and said to me, "Hey do you want to pig out and watch a movie tonight?" I hadn't even said anything to her and she just walked in the door and said it. But Julie couldn't hear that. She couldn't believe that her precious Britney wanted to stay up late and watch a movie. Heaven forbid she want to do something crazy like that. Be a normal college student for once. She then realized that she had lost the argument and went into the first bathroom/vanity area where Britney was getting ready for bed and started talking about me. It's not like they were talking loudly, but the living room was silent while I was waiting for Britney to start the movie. This is just one scenario. Julie consistently and constantly insists on being my mother. She will get up and head for bed and then grab my hand and arm and says things like it's time for bed let's go. When I tell her no; for two reasons, I hate when people tell me what to do when they aren't actually my mother or father, and I didn't need to go to bed, she gets half yelly and starts saying stuff like "I'll wake you up at 8 o'clock" even though she knows that I don't need to wake up till like 9 o'clock-ish to be ready and she says that she will bang on my door until I wake up and goes on and on. It exhausts me just listening to her go on forever about what she is gonna do. I can't help but think that if you had just gone to bed instead of starting this speech, you would be asleep already. Like I said before, I don't like to wake-up in the morning, until absolutely necessary. And by wake-up I mean actually get out of bed. A lot of mornings I will just lay in my bed not wanting to actually get up. There is a long hallway that leads from the kitchen to all the bedrooms. If someone is talking just above a whisper, it carries down the hall. My bedroom is at the end of the hallway. These mornings when I am just lying in my bed I can hear Julie talking to Britney about me. Occasionally Elizabeth is in on this too. I can recall that one morning Julie said something like "I don't know how she does it. She just sleeps all the time." I can't remember if I couldn't hear her or if I just chose not to listen anymore or what happened, but the next thing I hear Julie say is "She just doesn't wear make-up. That is what it is." Sometimes it just makes me laugh at how much they talk about me when they think I'm not listening. What really gets me going is when one of them tells me I can't invite people over or whatever. I just want to say something like "I pay to live here too. I can invite whomever I want over, whenever I want them over. It's my money too." If they would just ask nicely or just talk to me about it without yelling at me, then I might change some of the things I do. Somethings I won't because it's just part of me. It's just who I am. I just don't respond well to people telling me what to do. My mother and my father are the only people that I will head their advise when they tell me what to do. I don't even listen to my siblings sometimes. I hate when people try to control me, it makes me want to do the EXACT opposite of what they tell me to and sometimes that is exactly what I do. That may just be me being defiant, but it's who I am. I don't take orders from ANYONE. Especially roommates that are barely older or even younger than me. I don't do well with people trying to run my life for me. It's my life not theirs. I'm gonna live it how I want to live it. If that doesn't go along with the way you want to live your life, so be it. Let me by my own person.
Sorry this post is so long. I had to give you background and get you updated on my thoughts thus far. If anyone out there is the world wide web sees this and has questions or comments just reply to the post. It's pretty simple. I won't answer most personal questions though. Trying to stay anonymous. Thank you for reading if you did!!! :)
*Just a little reminder that all the names are changed. These names will remain with these people though. I won't start randomly switching names for one person. That would get way to confusing even for me, and some might say that I'm a confusing person.

In The Beginning

This blog is just a venting blog for me. In case you didn't get it by the name and email associated with this blog, I will remain anonymous. I will change the names of everyone I talk about, but I will keep the same changed name for the same person. I may get a little creative with this. Just keep in mind that I am changing names and places. I don't want anyone to get offended by what I have to say, but I feel like I need to tell someone without actually telling anyone. I don't know if I will get any followers, but I certainly hope that at least one person reads this. If that one person is me in five years, so be it. To anyone who ever may read this, I hope you enjoy. I know I said this is a venting blog, but I will probably write about fun and cool things we do. I won't post pictures, for obvious reasons, but I hope you picture the awesomeness in your head.