The Life I've Been Living Secretly

Lately I've been going through some stuff and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, but I need to tell someone so here it goes. A little while ago I had surgery. I had appendicitis so I got it removed before it burst. It was done laparoscopicly so I just have 3 little incisions on my abdomen and I only stayed in the hospital overnight. That day I was discharged and I came home to my house where I live with my sister and another girl. Everyone was really nice. They helped me out when I needed help standing up or would get things for me. My friends and roommates were a huge help..... for about 4 days. When they were here they were awesome. Because of the medication I was on I couldn't drive, so my friends would come over and keep me company. Another side effect of the medication was that I would get REALLY tired and I would fall asleep almost every 4 hours for about 2 hours. When I was sleeping, the would just sit there and watch Netflix or whatever and be quiet while I slept. They really were great. However they had to go back to their own lives. They worked and had lives outside of taking care of me.
Being left by myself was not as fun as it may seem. And here another side effect of the medication comes into play. I love reading. I think it's great and I read quite a lot. However, because of the medication I had a hard time focusing, so reading was difficult because my mind was in a million places at once. I just couldn't focus. So my life because watching several different shows and episodes of things on Netflix. My queue ranged from crime shows to hgtv. I would just watch Netflix, get on Facebook, or play some of the stupid games I keep on my phone. I couldn't drive anywhere and I could barely walk, I was slower than a turtle, and it hurt to walk for too long. So I just sat on the couch basically all day. After about a day of that, I was bored out of my mind. I was tired of hurting, and I was tired of not being able to do anything, and I start to feel anxious and depressed. A week after my surgery I was having a hard day. My day was like every other day up to this point, my roommates and friends worked and I was at home doing nothing. I wanted to be doing something, but I couldn't do anything. That evening my roommate made spaghetti for dinner and normally I like it, but for some reason when I ate it that day It made me feel sick so I ended up only eating like 2 or 3 bites and I threw the rest away. At this point I was really upset because I didn't want to feel sick. I didn't want to hurt. I just wanted to be better. I go to my bedroom and about halfway there I break down and just start crying. I called my mom. I know that makes me sound like a baby, but I needed my mom. I talked to her for a little bit and we decided that I just needed to go stay with her for a couple of days. She lives about an hour away and since I couldn't drive, she came and picked me up and I stayed with her. While there I felt a little better. At my house I was by myself almost all day, and at my mom's house, there were people around all the time. Just being around them and having them there made me feel better. I really thought that I was going to be okay. I came home and I was doing good for a while.
When I got home, I tried to keep myself busy. I organized my movies and just other silly things that I could do that didn't hurt, but eventually I ran out of things to do. However, I didn't feel depressed right away. It took a little while, but it crept back in. I wanted to be able to do things with my friends. They were going swimming, but I couldn't. Thinking going with them was better than staying home by myself I went and I would stick my feet in. But that didn't really work out as planned. They all got in the pool and they were playing and swimming around having fun and I was sitting by myself not included. I felt just as depressed sitting there than I would have been sitting in my living room. I wanted to break out in tears again, but I held them back. I wanted everyone to think I was having a great time and was having fun. I couldn't tell them I was feeling depressed.
I started to get better and I thought things were going to be better. I was able to walk faster, and I didn't hurt as much. My incisions were healing really well and everything was getting brighter. But then I was knocked down again. I still couldn't do all the things that I wanted to. I still couldn't go swimming with my friends and I still couldn't run and laugh with them. That brings me to today. Right now I am sitting on my couch by myself. I can drive now, but it doesn't make anything better. I still hurt sometimes and I still can't go swimming or hottubbing. This evening I was hanging out with a group of people and most of them wanted to go get in the hottub. I didn't want to spend another day being alone in a group of people so I opted out. I asked one of my good friends who also didn't want to go swimming if they wanted to come over and watch a movie, but they declined. At this moment right now I feel as if my friends don't really want to be my friends anymore. I feel as though they only put up with me because they feel they have to. They don't ever want to do something I invite them to do. We don't even hug anymore. Hugging was, for some reason, a big part of our group and everyone else hugs everyone else, but no one even touches me anymore. The most I get is a high-five. I don't know if my mind is deceiving me or if because I'm "hurt" they don't know how to act. I just don't know what to do and I can't even tell anyone that I've been depressed lately. I just don't know how to handle anything right now. I go back to work tomorrow, so at least that will keep me busy. I'm not asking for pity or anything, I just needed to tell someone so I decided to tell the world. I couldn't keep everything bottled up any longer.